I haven’t been writing much, but I’ve had a lot on my mind. Literally.

About a month and a half ago, I had a horrible panic attack one night. The anxiety came out of nowhere: my throat felt like it was closing in, my heart started racing, and fear took over. I had a couple panic attacks in the past–years ago–but not this intense or long-lasting. I tried to wind down from it, do some deep breathing, but it would. not. stop. After forty-five minutes I had the phone in my hand, ready to call 911 (I have a history of PVC’s and I was scared I might go into ventricular tachycardia), but thankfully another minute of slow, deep breathing calmed me down enough to eventually get out of panic mode. I was awake for two solid hours afterward because the adrenaline still had my body going Full Speed Ahead. It just so happened that I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment the next day: I was still feeling really anxious and my blood pressure was high (134/92) so he prescribed me a medication to help, and it brought relief within an hour.

Unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with anxiety every day since that episode; it starts creeping up on me at bed time when I don’t have kids or work or the house or the computer to distract me. I’ve been able to stave off any more panic attacks but I’m constantly anxious and I can tell my blood pressure is still up. I saw my doctor again yesterday and sure enough, my blood pressure was 130/89 (it’s always been 110′s over low 70′s before this, even through both of my pregnancies). I asked him if the anxiety might be related to metformin, which I started taking for PCOS shortly before the initial panic attack. He doesn’t think it’s related, but to rule out the possibility, I won’t be taking it for four days (yesterday through Monday) to see if the anxiety goes away.

“What do you worry about?” my husband asked me, trying to be helpful.

“Everything,” I answered. “EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME.”

So I’m unplugging. Enjoying the good weather, watching football, reading (The Memory Keeper’s Daughter–which is excellent so far!), taking walks with George and the boys, etc. I do NOT want to go on daily anxiety medication for various reasons, and I hope I don’t gain back the weight I’ve lost since starting metformin–but at the same time, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s hard to handle the kids when I’m anxious all day, and the higher blood pressure is not healthy either. I need to RELAX.

I probably won’t be around the internet much over the next couple weeks as I try to get a handle on all of this. It’s also the second anniversary of my first miscarriage (Sept 9) and d&c (Sept 17). The computer is just too much of a reminder of that in particular, and everything on my mind in general. I love you all, but I need… space. time. quiet. I’ll be back in a while.

xx
–your favorite Worrywart