Time for this month’s post-pregnancy weight loss update–a special Hormonally Effed Up Edition! Woohoo!

Pre-pregnancy weight: 150 lb
Top pregnancy weight: 208 lb
1 week after Andrew’s birth: 188 lb
1 month: 181 lb
2 months: 175 lb
3 months: 169 lb
4 months: 167 lb
5 months: 166 lb
6 months: 164 lb
7 months: 164 lb

In the past month, I lost ZERO pounds, 0.25″ from my waist, and 0.25″ from my hips. I’m still 14 lb away from my pre-pregnancy weight (just the TOP of the healthy weight range for me), and my weight loss has just… stopped. But this battle has gone beyond all my calorie counting and carb/sugar avoiding, beyond all my Cto5K running and pilates and strength training. It would be a waste of money to join Weight Watchers. It would be a waste of energy to do the 30-day Shred, P90X, or the Insanity Workout. It doesn’t matter what I’ve been doing or what else I’d try, because this isn’t any ordinary weight loss plateau.

This is polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

It’s very complex, so I won’t bore you with details, but you can read more about it here if you wish. Symptoms: acne (check), weight gain and trouble losing weight (CHECK CHECK), thinning hair on the scalp (check), extra hair on the face and body (I know I’m Italian, but I go through so much hair removal cream, it’s crazy!), dark patches of skin in places like the back of the neck and under the arms (which is how I got diagnosed as a teen–more on that in a second), and fertility problems (I never had trouble getting pregnant, but PCOS puts you at higher risk of miscarriage AND repeat miscarriages–so a very sad double check on that).

Flash back: My dad took me to a dermatologist when I was 13 for a weird dark brown patch of skin on the back of my neck; the doctor took one look and immediately referred me to an endocrinologist. After a thorough exam and lots of blood work, the endocrinologist told me that my hormones were out of whack and my insulin levels were “3-4 times higher than normal,” and he diagnosed me with PCOS/insulin resistance (in addition to hypothyroidism, for which I’m still treated). He put me on a blood sugar medication and I stopped gaining weight (of course, I didn’t LOSE weight because I was still eating a ton of carbs/sugar). But after a few years I just sort of… stopped going to him. I thought I was fine and it was just some sort of made-up disease and I’m 17 and LALALAAA I can’t hear you!

And, well. That ignorance came back to bite me in the butt. Hard.

While PCOS symptoms can be managed to a certain extent with diet and exercise–the exact same low-sugar/low-carb diet and regular exercise that helped me to lose 40 lb in 2004-05 and 51 lb of baby weight after Oliver in 2006-07–it’s just not enough for me anymore. As my friends and coworkers say in disbelief, “If I ate and worked out like you, I’d weigh 90 lb!” It makes me laugh because actually, that’s probably close to the truth. I do not eat bread, pasta, potatoes, cereal, rice, or anything with even a moderate amount of carbs or sugar; my daily carb intake (while trying to lose weight) is under 20 grams, most of which is from milk. I exercise 30-45 min, 5-6 days a week, on top of walking once or twice a day with the kids (weather permitting).

I work REALLY, REALLY HARD, and I honestly don’t mind working hard to stay healthy, but it’s NOT NORMAL to put in so much effort ONLY TO REMAIN OVERWEIGHT.

“I’m not talking about trying to be 120 lb,” I told my doctor, “I’m just trying to get back to 150. And with the way I eat and exercise, it shouldn’t be this hard.”

“You’re doing all the right things,” he reassured me, “and you SHOULD be losing weight. But with untreated PCOS, you could work out for three hours a day, every day, and practically starve yourself, and still be overweight.”

Oh. So it’s not all in my head. So it’s not my fault.

Basically, I’m hormonally effed up. I’ve been able to force my body to accommodate before, but this time, all the willpower and hard work in the world aren’t enough. My lab work showed normal blood sugar levels, yet that is only because I don’t eat carbs or sugar. If I ate even a moderate amount of carbs, like any normal person, I’d easily gain 20+ lb in a couple months (which explains why I gained over 50 lb during both of my pregnancies). So unfortunately, although I’m not a fan of the idea, I will need to start taking medication to get things under control. I had further blood work done today so that he can make a decision about which type of medication to put me on, but most likely we’ll try metformin. I would like to clarify right off the bat: this is NOT a magic pill. I will still—ALWAYS—have to exercise and watch what I eat like I’m doing now, but with the medication, my body should finally respond the way it’s supposed to. It should, theoretically, help me get down to a healthy weight again. It will also greatly reduce my risk for diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and on and on and on.

This is why a girl who never cries did the Ugly Cry in front of her doctor today. Frustration, anger, sadness, relief, and yes, guilt. I think the hardest part is trying not to beat myself up about going untreated all those years and the possible ramifications.

“So…” My mother paused, after I told her everything, trying to find her voice to ask the question I knew she would ask. “So if you had been on medication… you might not have had the miscarriages?”

“We don’t know that for sure. My risk would have definitely been a lot lower. But to think…” I teared up. “If things had happened differently, that would mean we wouldn’t have Andrew, and… I can’t imagine that.”

I believe in the here and now. I believe in my two beautiful children and in the hidden strength of this stubborn, messed-up body that carried them against the odds. Whatever happened, and whatever may come next, I can have no regrets: I love my Now.

And so I’m getting a tattoo tomorrow, the tattoo that was to be my reward after losing all the baby weight. I’ve put in MORE than enough effort, but as it turns out, this was a battle my body could not let me win (YET). I am carrying out a surprise attack on the enemy. I am sticking out my tongue at PCOS and claiming Victory in advance.

Stay tuned for more weight loss, though. It may take a little more time and a little pharmacological help, but I’m not done yet!