June is getting ever closer. In some ways, I’m ready for summer. In some ways, I’m not.

Summer means getting out of the house. Summer means lots of weekends spent swimming in my sister’s pool. Summer means George taking the bar exam and me no longer being a law school widow. Summer is when Oliver will turn two, and it’s also the time we discussed trying for a second child (with a due date no earlier than March 2009).

But that’s where my mind starts to spin. There are so many doubts I have about child number two. What is the best timing between kids? Would Oliver do better if we kept them closer or waited until he was older? Would WE do better one way or the other? Or should we just get through the sleepless nights and round-the-clock-breastfeeding/can’t-leave-the-house days over with for good?

I saw my cardiologist last month and discussed with him the possibility of a pregnancy later this year; the beta blocker I’m taking for irregular heartbeats can be harmful to the fetus, so I have to stop taking it at least one month beforehand. Which for me means THREE months beforehand, because I am paranoid like that. Beginning the first of March, I will cut my daily dose in half for one month. In April, I will take the half-dose every other day. Then I will have at least one month, May, in which it is totally out of my system.

And then… I don’t know.

If anything happened after that, obviously we would be thrilled, but I’m not sure I’m ready. It might be a lot different next time, since George won’t be in class three nights a week or studying nonstop even on weekends, and it might be ok. Will I be ok? It might be nice to know I’ll never have to go through pregnancy and labor again. Will my epidural work next time? Will I be able to lose the weight afterwards? It might be nice for Oliver and his sibling to be closer in age than George and I were with ours (the smallest gap being nearly 5 years). How are we going to keep up with a three year old hurricane AND a newborn?

When Oliver was first born, saying we’d wait until he was two seemed so far away… and now it’s almost here. Now I want to wait until August, or maybe until fall, winter, or next spring. But at the same time, I want to get on with my life. I want to move forward with changing careers. I want to be able to travel. I don’t want to open/close safety gates and keep my breakables on high shelves and pick Cheerios out of the couch forever. I want to do my hair more than once every 2 months and I want to work full time once they’re in school. Maybe that’s selfish, but I only want to have two kids, I want to enjoy their baby days while they last, and then I want to enjoy the years ahead with them.

I’m not sure when we’ll decide or when it will happen. There’s only one thing I’m sure of: whether it’s this summer or not, I know I *do* want another child. My Oliver is so beautiful and happy, and I love being a mom so much, I want to do it again. It’s just a matter of when.